Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize