"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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