Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
