My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize