Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
