she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
