he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
