I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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