Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
