the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
