I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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