Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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