the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
