went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I AM VODKA MAN
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just forgot I was standing up.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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