Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
