when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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