You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Who did Billy Mays play for?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
