Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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