I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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