but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
