Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I can't put those talents on a resume
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
