I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My life is pants optional.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
