you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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