Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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