I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
