Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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