Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
