I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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