Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
