I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize