dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
