my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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