I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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