You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize