I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
