i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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