Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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