Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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