I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
