walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
