my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
