I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
