We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
