If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
