Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize