If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
