My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize