somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
