found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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