Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
