Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
