why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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