theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
