I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think your dad took our porno
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
