Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
