The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I take back everything I said about communal showers
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize