i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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