so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
