i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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