You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
