I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
