had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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