Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
