In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
