I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
40s are totally the cure
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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